dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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