i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I cut my penus on the lid.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
