there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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