nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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