If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
