So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
