I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
