OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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