I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
