I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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