i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
