I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
