I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
