I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Someone signed my nipple.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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