Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
