I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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