i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
