sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
