Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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