So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
