My nipple is on Facebook.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
