I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
