My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
