omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
