I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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