we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
