i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
