She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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