I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
