Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
