So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
