Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
