I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
