So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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