so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
