just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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