You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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