theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
