It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
