also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
