True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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