she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
