shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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