The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
