I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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