I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
being pregnant is like rehab
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
