I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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