im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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