my phone needs a breathalizer
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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