I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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