so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
